by Richard Ewald
California, USA
My friend Don is one of those guys who has never met a stranger. Everyone he meets becomes a friend. Don is a college dean. The program he administers is considered to be the best training program of its type in the world — not one of the best, but number one. This is due almost entirely to Don’s vision and personality. The word dynamic was coined, I believe, to describe Don. I met Don when my company became affiliated with his program.
I was at the college one January, and Don dropped by. I asked him how his Christmas was. “Not too good,” he replied. His son had died. I asked how old his son was. “In his early twenties. It was an accident.” I tried to say words that might comfort Don, but no words can help at a time like that.
Don started to talk. He and his wife had planned a public church service and a private graveside service for family only. However, after the accident, the phone kept ringing with his son’s friends calling to say that their son had been their best friend. After 30 calls, Don and his wife decided they must do something for all these kids who’d lost their best friend. They opened the graveside service to everyone so their son’s friends would have another chance to say goodbye.
Then Don got an idea. He went to the undertaker, another lifelong friend, and asked if people at the graveside service could take a felt tip pen and write a message to his son on the outside of the casket. “Things like that just aren’t done,” the undertaker replied.
Don persisted. The undertaker reluctantly agreed, saying it must be a wood casket for the pen to show. “Can I try a pen on a casket in an inconspicuous place?” “No. If you mark it, you own it.” So Don chose a casket he thought would take the marker’s ink.
Before the service, Don wrote a goodbye on the casket. At the graveside service, the minister announced that anyone who wished could come up and write or draw a farewell as well.
At first, no one got up. Then one person did; then another. Before long, everyone present was lined up for a chance to write their goodbyes. When the last person had finished, the entire casket was covered in messages and drawings, looking not unlike a high school yearbook.
As Don walked back to the car, he turned and saw his undertaker friend pick up a pen and write a final message.
I am proud to be Don’s friend. In the depths of the worst experience a father can endure, he thought not of himself, but of his son’s friends, and took steps to ease their pain. I know his idea will be imitated by others and comfort many more people. That’s a fitting tribute to both Don and his son.
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I always enjoy these stories, but Penning a Final Farewell touched me deeply..Two years ago I had to bury my husband and I have a glimpse of how hard it is to think of others in a time of grief. This story blessed me.
It is evident both were fine Men. The kind of Men anyone would be proud to call their friend!
I love this idea! I would love to see this become common practice. I imagine it could help people find closure and peace. This is such a beautiful story.
This brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of my friends, Dale and Dar Emme, who used a similar experience after their son committed suicide to reach out to his friends.
Kudos to all who are able to comfort others as they go through their own sorrow. Richard is correct; such heroic responses to personal tragedy do comfort many – often rippling far out from the starting point.
Thank you for sharing this wonderful story of Don’s example and idea. I hope both are imitated often.
Oh sheesh – someone cutting onions around here? Such a lovely idea to help all whose lives were touched by this young man to say their final goodbyes.
I remember reading one of Anne Lamott’s books about a friend of hers who was dying of cancer. Because she was active in her church and the children all knew her, the children were encouraged to draw pictures for her and the pictures covered her coffin when she was buried.
All I can say about stories like this is that they touch the heart and sometimes break it.
“In the beginning was the word and the word was with God, and the word was God” says the Bible. One could add to that: “In the end was the word, and the word was with God.”
We cannot underestimate the power of the word that is timeless. Don knew this and he gifted his departed son with the power of the words of love from his friends.
This is such a touching tribute to honor a deceased relative or friend. My youngest son died suddenly and tragically at age 13 in 1999, and I wish I’d read this story back then. How fitting it would’ve been to suggest that his school pals and loved ones leave a final note on his small casket.